15 Ways to Raise Confident, Happy Children

Are you undermining your child’s potential for happiness and confidence? Even the most loving parents can unwittingly teach their child ways of thinking that are detrimental to self confidence and give them unrealistic expectations that can lead to unhappiness.

You don’t have to be a perfect parent to raise happy, self confident kids; your love and respect is the number one thing your children need. With that as your foundation, you can add these tips to your parenting toolbox to give your kids an edge when it comes to feeling great about themselves and the world around them.

1. Be positive about mistakes. Most loving parents already tell their children it’s okay to make mistakes but you can go beyond that to point out all of the positives of not doing things right the first time. Some of our best ideas come from doing things wrong the first time.

2. Give them plenty of opportunity to play outdoors. Nature is a great teacher and children who are allowed to explore and play outside gain confidence and a sense of being centered in the world. Even small children need some quiet time alone with their thoughts and a half hour in the backyard with just some sticks, pebbles and their imagination helps growing brains develop in a natural way. Supervise them, of course, but let their play be self directed with as few prompts from you as possible.

3. Treat them like an adult – sometimes. Some of the best times I’ve had with my children is taking them one on one to a “fancy” restaurant and then on to the theatre. With one on one attention, children can often stretch to meet grown up expectations and it’s a good confidence boost to get to do such grown up things every once in a while. And you’ll treasure being able to build such delightful memories with your child.

4. Show them pictures of when they were a baby and toddler. Talk about how much they’ve grown and learned and what they can do now that they couldn’t when they were small. Most children love hearing stories about when they were little and it gives them a sense of security to know that they were always loved by their parents and those around them.

5. Spend time talking with your children. During the hustle and bustle of everyday life, we often only get to have the most perfunctory conversations with our families. Spend a few minutes every day letting your child talk to you about his or her day and ask open ended questions that show you are interested in their thoughts and opinions.

Don’t forget to tell them about your day, too! It might take a while before they learn about conversational give and take but they will appreciate learning more about what  you do, especially if you are away from home most of the day.

6. Encourage pretend play. One of the best toys for a child is a dress up box filled with inexpensive costumes and props. Trying on new identities helps children explore who they are and who they’d like to be. They can act out the role of a loving, nurturing parent and a firefighter and a clown and a doctor…the possibilities are limitless.

This kind of role playing is an excellent way for children to work out their emotions and anxieties and it’s a lot of fun to boot.

7. Give them building tools. Lego, wooden blocks and Tinker Toys are all good ways for children to develop fine motor and planning skills. Working on a structure from start to finish gives a child pride in a job well done. Sometimes things won’t work out the way the child planned and this is an excellent opportunity to model for the child how to take a big breath and start over. As a child becomes more experienced in dealing with setbacks, their tolerance for frustration and perseverance will grow.

Remember these sorts of toys are not gender specific! Little girls should be provided with building toys and tools and little boys love dress up and toys they can nurture like baby dolls and teddy bears.

8. Let them help you cook. Making a meal together is not only great bonding time and doesn’t only teach math skills, it’s also another way for children to understand how to make a plan, implement it and deal with any unexpected twists or mistakes.

I don’t know about you, but things don’t always go right in my kitchen. There are spills and messes and sometimes I don’t remember to preheat and sometimes we run out of ingredients. Your child will learn a lot from watching how you deal with these minor stresses.

9. Work on your own reactions to stressful situations. Children learn more from observation than they do from what you tell them. If you are prone to throwing tantrums or getting out of sorts because of bad drivers, lousy service or wrenches in your plans then that’s the way your child will learn to deal with these situations.

If you can model a calm, matter of fact reaction to adverse situations, your child will learn to do the same. Find ways to change your reactions to stressful situations and both you and your child will be happier and more confident.

10. Set firm limits with your child. Your child needs to know that you love them enough to set boundaries to keep them safe. They also need to know that it’s okay for you to require that all family members treat each other with kindness and respect.

Children require protection and guidance and although it’s normal for small children to act in ways that are self-centered and unkind at times, your firm, but gentle reminders will help them transition into generous, thoughtful adults.

11. Make room for art. Although all children might not have the skills of Picasso, they are all very creative and flourish when given the space and materials to express themselves artistically.

You don’t have to go overboard. Keeping a stock of scrap paper, crayons, scissors and glue is enough to help your child express themselves through art. If they show a budding interest, you can explore new materials and techniques with them in a low pressure way.

12. Make music together. Singing together is a lot of fun and is a skill that will give your child a lot of joy throughout his or her life. Don’t worry if you can’t sing well, in fact, it’s a good way to teach your child you don’t have to be perfect at something to enjoy doing it and there is no shame in being less than excellent in any particular area.

Learning to play an instrument is another way to give your child the confidence that comes with learning a skill. Don’t insist they continue if they really have no interest in it, but do emphasize the importance of practicing regularly. Hard work + practice = results is a formula that they can learn from instruction in many areas, music is just one that many children enjoy.

13. Give them plenty of opportunity to move their bodies. Children need to run, jump, skip, hop, climb, dance, stretch and just generally move every part of them in every way possible every day. Arrange your home so that there is at least one area where they can safely go a little crazy and try to be tolerant of the noise and chaos during certain times of the day.

As I said before, outdoor play is crucial for developing minds and bodies. Become regular visitors to your local playgrounds and go on hikes, nature walks, bike rides or canoeing trips as a family. Physical activity is not only critical for health; it’s also vital for happiness and confidence.

14. Give your child a rich sensory diet. It’s becoming more and more apparent through research that children need input from all their senses to develop mentally and physically. Allow your child to play with substances of all different textures and forms – mud, play dough, sand, bowls of rice and dried beans, pebbles, cloth…the only limit is your imagination.

Point out different smells and textures and discuss how they compare and contrast with each other. If your child is hesitant at first, go slow but don’t give up on sensory play altogether.

Swinging, twirling, balancing, jumping, rolling are all also ways your child learns about the world and figures out how to control his or her body depending on external inputs. Children need lots of hands on (and feet on!) experiences to grown and become comfortable and confident in the world around them.

15. Touch is vital. Children need hugs and kisses and pats and high fives every day. Some kids are 24/7 cuddly and others are more reserved but make sure that you give them as much affection as they will tolerate. Touch between loved ones causes the release of oxytocin, the love chemical so that every time you touch your child you are cementing and increasing the bond between you.

Children who grow up knowing that they are loved and that those around them think that they are worth it will have a leg up when it comes to being happy, confident adults.

Give your children the experiences and safe haven they need to develop the skills that they will need to live rich, fulfilling lives. It’s not enough to tell your child that they are wonderful – you have to give them the tools and space to discover what they can accomplish with effort and practice and that they mistakes and set backs are learning opportunities. True confidence and happiness comes from learning first-hand that you can handle whatever comes your way.

Tracy O’Connor is the mother of 5 boys and a ghostwriter who also writes a personal humor blog.

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photo credit: ©istock/laflor